Brrrring! Brrrring! Brrrrring!
“Hello? National Inquirer.”
“Hello! Say, I’d like to report a natural oddity.”
“I’m sorry, a whaaat?”
“A natural oddity, of sorts. I’m… I’m not really sure how to refer to it. Well, to him.”
“Lady, get to the point. Between Patty Duke’s gay wedding secret, Madonna’s senior moments and Bradley Cooper packing on 40 lbs, we’re very busy around here!”
“Ok, ok, I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve seen and experienced something so beautifully strange, so unlikely, so unexpected, I thought you should know about it. I don’t know where to begin.”
“My God. Have you been abducted?!?”
“No, no, nothing like that. Well I guess I did feel like I’d been sent into another dimension, and perhaps there was a bit of anal probing, but no alien life forms, UFOs or anything of the sort. What I’ve come into contact with is so rarely found, yet fantasized about by nearly every grown woman on earth.”
“You’ve…. you’ve seen ELVIS???”
“Again, no. I’m sorry. Let me try to explain. A few nights ago, I found myself in the arms of what looked like a human man. But here’s the thing: he cared about my orgasm.”
‘No! Go on…”
“Not only that, he was rough without being a brutish asshole, he was gentle without being a soppy milquetoast, and he’s got a really big , well, it’s a nice, he’s um… he’s working with a.. well, he’s just,,, he’s um.. tall.”
“I’m listening….
“Say, what’s your name?”
“Dolly.”
“Dolly?”
“Well, my real name’s Darlene, but everyone around here calls me Dolly. You know, cuz I’m, heh, I’m chesty.”
“Ah, I see,.. Dolly. Well, Dolly, I have to tell you, he has the strongest arms I’ve ever felt. When we first kissed, he enveloped me with his fantastic embrace, putting one arm firmly across the small of my back, grabbing my hip, while the other hand pressed into my neck, bringing our lips tightly together. Then he lifted me up to meet his height. I quickly brought my legs around his waist and clung my arms around his neck, hanging on for dear life, until I realized he was holding me with little effort. He made this hundred and (muffle muffle) pound woman feel like she was floating. It was grand!”
“Oh, my… I sure wish my Hank would do that to me. What else can you tell me about this man.”
“When we arrived at my place, things escalated fast. To be honest, and this is just between us gals, sometimes I take a guy home for a wham bam, you know, just to clear the cobwebs and get some juices flowing. I kinda figured it wasn’t going to be much more than that. And then, it happened. Dolly…I didn’t get fucked. I got made love to.”
“ (sigh) REALLY??!?”
“Oh Dolly, I didn’t think it existed. This creature, this being, this man kissed me with every moan I exhaled. He brought me from screaming to whimpering and back again. He made eye contact. He gazed at me like I was the entire universe writhing around underneath him. Every touch and thrust made me quiver like I was a virgin…”
“Being touched for the very first time?”
“Yes. Exactly.”
“I can see why you called us. This deserves a front page spread. I mean, so to speak. We’ve seen him in the movies, we’ve read about him in soft-cover books, but we’ve never actually laid our hands on him. Lady, lady, what you got yourself there is a sexual Sasquatch. The headline will read “Sexsquatch discovered in Louisiana swamps. Woman eaten alive!”
“Sexsquatch. That’s what he is! I’ve never experienced anything like it, and believe me, Dolly, he’s not the first person to iron my sheets- I mean, if he really is a person. He’s sensual, slow, sentimental, sophisticated, seductive. A statistical improbability.”
“You don’t say….”
“Hello? Dolly? Are you still there?”
“Ahem…yes, yes, I’m here. I’m here. Well, as fascinating and unlikely as this story sounds, I’m gonna take a chance and send our reporters out there as soon as possible. Maybe they can dig up some juicy gossip on this guy, exploit his faults. You know, honey, not to burst your bubble, but he’s probably got some kind of awful secret lurking in his past, or has some kind of weird disease, or is addicted to horsie porn, or…”
“But that’s the real kicker, Dolly! He not even really INTO porn. Well, not entirely obsessed, at any rate.”
“You lie.”
“I don’t!”
“Sweetie, honey, what’s your name?”
“Nicole”
“Nicole, you have got yourself a month’s worth of headlines here. I’m taking down your information right here, right now. We’ll get a reporter and photographer to your area by tomorrow. We’ll make room to get it to print by next week. Jennifer Aniston baby bombshell be damned! She gets too much press anyhow. And then I’m calling up my Hank to tell him to read this damn article. And to take notes! I don’t care if this man is an alien. He can teach my hubby a few things about treating a lady. Ok… let’s start with the spelling of your first name.”
“N-i-c-o-l-e…..”
Eat It • Not Safe For Work • Balls • Celebration • Plot #875 • Sexsquatch • Pride of Sinners! • The Penal System • Ride